I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
this beer tastes like vomit already
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
