New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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