so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
