Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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