so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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