That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It's shark week go big or go home
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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