I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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