Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
only if we run a train.
done.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
