Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
