One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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