It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
