i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
