I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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