I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
