Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
