Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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