I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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