if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
