nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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