I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
