I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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