K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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