My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
