I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
