Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
