I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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