I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
