I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
