this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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