Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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