There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
