somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
