i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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