last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
