The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I'm really busy with my period
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