My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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