atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
