I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
