Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
