I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
