wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
