I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
