I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
