im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
True college students do jello shots in the library
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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