I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
