Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
is that a dick in a sweater?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
