My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
