Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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