I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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