Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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